Survivors and specialists rewrite narrative
at FAAI forum
By Sola Ogundipe
At a fertility awareness programme convened by the Fertility Awareness Advocate Initiative (FAAI), with technical support from Nordica Fertility Center, Lagos, fertility advocates and married couples who have experienced both successful and failed IVF cycles laid bare the emotional toll of IVF failure, an issue specialists say is more common, more painful, and more misunderstood than many care to admit.
With trembling voices and tearful testimonies, they recounted failed cycles, financial strain, and the quiet loneliness of infertility, while psychologists, counsellors and doctors said hope lies in shared stories and support.
FAAI is an organisation built by people who know the sharp pain of IVF failure, the tears after a negative test, the financial strain, and the loneliness that comes with infertility.
Opening the dialogue, the Vice President of FAAI, Mrs. Vivian Patrick spoke with a voice that carried weight of someone who had lived the story she was trying to tell.
“Fertility journey is not simple, it is a journey I have been through, and thousands have gone through, and that is why we came together to give warmth, support, and a shoulder to lean on.
“I did so many things, heard so many suggestions, people’s advice, myths, pressures, I tried everything and none worked.”
First IVF cycle
She recalled that her first IVF cycle had produced more than a dozen eggs, yet not a single embryo; the second cycle delivered the same result.
“By the third attempt, hope had thinned, only five eggs were retrieved, two were bad, two were immature, and just one was usable, yet even that one failed to fertilise.
“When they called me I cried, I told God, ‘I’m done. Whatever you want to do, please do it.’ I had nothing left.”
But something unexpected happened. The lab called days later to say that from what seemed like nothing, three embryos had formed.
“Three, from nothing!” she repeated, her face breaking into a smile. An embryo transfer followed and months later, she held her son - her living miracle.
Failure to triumph
Her story, steeped in failure before triumph, became the emotional anchor of the forum organised to confront the realities of IVF failure, an issue specialists say is more common, more painful, and more misunderstood than many care to admit.
Her testimony paved the way for layers of conversation after failed cycles, the blame that ricochets between partners, and the crushing financial sacrifices people make for a chance at a child.
Vivian reminded the audience that they were not alone, and that FAAI existed to break the silence, the myths, the shame, and the fear. She brought along her son, the bright, healthy 7-year-old boy born through IVF up to the front. She wanted people to see his energy and brilliance, to see that IVF children are not different.
One after another, the men and women opened up - voices trembling, eyes damp, hearts trying to steady themselves as they revisited moments they had tried so hard to forget. They relieved how they had done everything right and still faced failure.
Six failed cycles
There was a woman who had endured six failed IVF cycles, each complicated by a difficult embryo transfer. The experts explained possible causes as another woman, visibly trembling as she spoke, said she had removed both fallopian tubes on doctor’s advice and then used her one chance at IVF through a grant.
“The cycle failed, since then I have been confused, I keep asking myself what I did wrong.” Her voice broke.
Possibilities of failure
Doctors answered gently explaining that removing the tubes was not the cause, saying there were other possibilities such as embryo quality, sperm quality, the state of the uterus, and the cervix.
IVF failure, they explained, is rarely one reason, rather it is often a collision of many invisible factors.
In another part of the hall, a woman shook as she recalled the loss of her baby after a successful IVF pregnancy.
“The child was stillbirth, since then, I have not been able to conceive again.” The doctors reminded everyone listening that a previous pregnancy, even one that ended in heartbreak, is evidence that the body can conceive again. “It gives hope, even when everything else feels lost,” one expert assured.
IVF as last hope
“IVF is often seen as the last hope, when it fails, it doesn’t just break the cycle. It breaks people. The experts emphasised it is not merely a clinical process, rather, a journey that requires support, clarity, and compassion.
Mr. Pillot Gbolahan, a psychologist noted: “Infertility is one of the deepest emotional wounds a person can carry and yet it is the one we hide the most.
It can make even the strongest marriages tremble. However, an IVF failure does not mean the end of your story. It is just a chapter, you can rise again, you can try again, and you do not have to walk through this darkness alone.”
“IVF failure is not just a medical result, but it is a form of grief. Couples mourn not only the loss of a pregnancy, but the loss of hope, identity, control, and sometimes dignity,” he avowed.
Role of stress
Gbolahan explained that chronic stress releases hormones that can interfere with fertility treatment outcomes.
“Stress is not good for any human body, and in IVF treatment, it can significantly reduce success rates. One of the most stressful periods for couples is the 10–14 day wait after embryo transfer, 24 hours can suddenly feel like 96 hours. People check their bodies for imaginary symptoms, some test too early out of fear. The emotional tension is enormous.
“Partners should create safe spaces for expressing grief, anger, or confusion without judgment and without dismissing feelings. Fertility treatment is not a woman’s journey, men must be involved in appointments, decisions, emotional support, and treatment steps.”
Also speaking on “The role of Counselling in Assisted Reproductive Technology / IVF”, a fertility counselor, Mrs. Precious Balogun, harped on the fact that infertility is not a private shame, but a medical condition for which solutions exist.
She said counselling is not an optional add-on but a critical part of the treatment. It guides patients before, during, and after IVF, offering information, emotional support, and clarity about expectations.
The counsellor noted that IVF often triggers a mix of fear, guilt, pressure and uncertainty. “Patients worry about every stage: the first scan, the egg retrieval, the embryo transfer, and the silent, nerve-racking wait for pregnancy test results. Sometimes, fear makes you conclude on yourself before life gives you a chance.
“Counselling prepares patients mentally for procedures, especially injections. Many women dread needles but must learn to self-inject daily. Some face panic before routine checks, imagining the worst. Support makes the fear bearable, and people cope better when surrounded by those who understand the journey.”
Marital strain
She also highlighted the strain IVF can place on marriages. Because women undergo more visible procedures, many people assume men are unaffected. But men have their own fears ranging from poor semen parameters, pressure from family, and the silent expectation to be strong even when they are crumbling.
“Without counseling, couples often misunderstand one another’s pain. The process becomes filled with blame, resentment, or emotional distance. Counselling teaches communication, helps couples understand each other’s emotional needs, and encourages joint decision-making on issues like the number of embryos to transfer or when to attempt the next cycle.”
One of the strongest points she raised was the weight of past trauma.
“Many women fear starting IVF again because of previous miscarriages, failed treatments or lost pregnancies. Even those who achieve a positive result sometimes remain numb, unable to celebrate because they fear another loss.
“Counselling helps process painful memories so that past grief does not swallow present hope. Support is not just for women, men, too, need a place to express vulnerability, talk about pressure from family, fear of failure, or the shame that often keeps them silent. Counselling gives them a voice and teaches couples to face the journey as a team.
Why IVF cycles fail
In a presentation entitled: “Why IVF Cycles may fail”, a fertility specialist with Nordica Fertility Centre, Lagos, Dr. Victor Ajayi, explained the delicate science behind the procedure.
“Some cycles are better done frozen than fresh. In situations where a woman’s hormone levels are too high, transferring embryos immediately reduces the chances of success. Freezing them, allowing the body to recover, and returning in a calmer cycle can give hope another chance.
“The same applies to women with endometriosis – an illness that silently disrupts the uterus, making implantation difficult. For them, collecting eggs, fertilizing them, and storing the embryos before embarking on months of treatment is often the safest path.
“But science was only half of the truth. The other half, raw, painful, human, rested in the stories of women who had done everything right and still faced failure.”
Ajayi described how couples sell land, cars, even relocate across continents chasing hope. “IVF is often seen as the last hope. When it fails, it doesn’t just break the cycle. It breaks people. Understanding failure is so difficult, patients are told their embryos look ‘excellent’ yet no pregnancy occurs.
“People ask, ‘Why not one embryo? Why didn’t even one stay?’ They wonder if changing doctors or hospitals would help. But the truth is, even in the best centers in the world, IVF can fail.
“Science is delicate. Eggs and sperm must both be of good quality, they must meet, fertilize, and develop into genetically normal embryos. The lining of the womb must be receptive, like good soil waiting for a seed. Even when everything looks ideal, implantation may still not occur. IVF remains, in many ways, a miracle shaped by biology, timing, and chance.”
Do your due diligence
In the view of the Medical Director/CEO Nordica Fertility Centre, Lagos, Dr Abayomi Ajayi, “Do your investigation about IVF centres with due diligence, don’t rely on casual sources, you need to crosscheck the facts. It is important for us to keep searching and not be lazy. Some patients are given information about side effects, but doctors don’t always put that in writing or explain it clearly.
“Don’t give anyone the right to control your life. Science depends on integrity, that’s the way to get reliable information, it’s better to search based on evidence, not just opinion. That’s why you need to know what real research looks like, you need to investigate, not just accept information blindly. Don’t take anything as 100 percent proven without checking.
“I usually tell clients: your right as a patient is to ask questions, even if they seem silly. If you don’t, you’re not being fair to yourself, no matter the question, ask, even if you’re unsure, cross‑check. And as I always say, because I’m in the medical space, experience matters. What you will see from experienced professionals is invaluable.
“When in doubt, ask the doctor. Without reliable guidance, the path to parenthood through IVF risks being overshadowed by confusion, fear, and mistrust. The goal of all this is that at the end of the process, you want to have a child. If you lose focus on the goal and start chasing other things, you won’t get the result. When you start to force the little things, trying to micromanage, trying to push too hard, it becomes counterproductive.
As part of the forum, one lucky subscriber emerged the winner for a free IVF cycle through an electronic spin-the-wheel selected. Four other lucky persons were randomly picked from the hall and from the online participants. It was a moment of levity in a gathering built on stories of pain and perseverance.
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